As you may have gathered from my previous posts, I’m not a big fan of the wedding ritual or any of the bizarre traditions associated with it. That’s not to say I’m opposed to that sweet, that nasty, that gooshy stuff. Bring it possums, I’m one big ball of love. However, I recently found myself kicking back to watch some telly, only to discover a reality show based on a trashy bridal boutique in NYC. Enter dry heaves here.

Say Yes to the Dress - or mess more like – follows a series of brides-to-be in their quest to find the perfect wedding dress. The dress they’ve always dreamed of. Fucking god. The worse part is I couldn’t help but watch…likea car accident with gangly bodies everywhere, I had to look.  Several episodes (and several glasses of vino) later, I found myself shouting at the TV while completely glued to this shiteous program. My poor boyfriend watching in horror from the corner of our apartment.

Here’s my beef possums – I’ve yet to see a smokin’ hot dress on this show. Do women seriously want to look like giant doilies? How is this attractive to the groom? “Here comes the bride, big, boofy and white”. You’ve got to be kidding me. Doesn’t ANYone want to look sexy or glamorous on their wedding day? Nope. Looking like a giant ball of taffeta is much better.

I’ve watched several of my friends go through the many motions of matrimony, and I’ve even been a bridesmaid myself.  Thus, I’ve got a few tips for all you brides on the brink of wedded bliss.

1. Don’t look for your dress in a bridal shop. There are several fabulous formal dress boutiques around town that don’t require an appointment or some Scandanavian seamstress groping your nether regions.
2. Be open to something other than white. Why white anyway? Apparently Queen Victoria is responsible for this virginal tradition. Here’s what ladies – I know ya’ll haven’t been the big V since that keg party in tenth grade. The jig is up.
3. Go to a regular seamstress for alterations and DO NOT tell them this is your wedding dress. You’re automatically guaranteed a 300% discount.
4. Ditch the veil, the train and the tiara. It’s not a costume, it’s a dress. D-R-E-S-S.
5. Don’t be afraid to go short. Who says you can’t wear a fabulous little cocktail frock to your nuptials and show some leg? Work those gams.
6. Don’t, and I repeat, don’t wear something that will prohibit you from getting your boogie on.

Speaking of which, let me leave with one of my faves, perfect for any wedding reception.

I’m a huslta, possums. I just want you to know.